Ask Julia Roberts

Are you some sort of lesbo? Because I can’t see any other reason why you’d expect to find fulfillment outside of a romantic relationship with a man. Nothing’s more fulfilling than getting a pussy filled with cock. Remember my movie Stepmom? Which one of those bitches got cancer and died? That’s right: the divorcee. Remember My Best Friend’s Wedding? Which one of those bitches tried to bust up a wedding and looked like a total idiot for it? That’s right: the career woman. Life does not end well for women without men, and that is a medical fact. Now go get your razor and shave because it sounds like you need it in order to get an invite to Pound Town. Also, I like Cherry Garcia. Julia Roberts out.

DUH, it’s possible! What do you think inspires rom coms? Real life “WAAA!!”-ing all across the globe. Did you know people are waaa!!-ing at farmer’s markets and Honda dealerships right as we speak? Some of them are gonna end up banging in broom closets and just leaving it at that, but some of them are gonna blast out babies together! It happens! I tell people Danny and I met on the set of The Mexican, but really, we met in the tampon aisle of a CVS. I was having an epic period and he was having an epic nosebleed. And you know how that story ended. (Baby blasting!!!) So, you know, romance can happen any time, anywhere, and it’s okay to leave the tampons at home. Julia Roberts out.

Define “similar.” As far as I’m concerned, I have been playing the same part for thirty years: gorgeous and loveable dream vixen with hair thicker and redder than the blood shed by colonialism. Sometimes I am the girl next door, but other times I am an untamed sex lion. (Remember when I played Erin Brosandwich? What a slut!) Either way, still Julia, still great at romantical things. You can learn a lot from all my films, so keep buying them and asking questions. Julia Roberts out.

Girl. Girl. The secret to a pert and perky ass is to run through men’s minds all day. If you’re not already on their minds, you never will be, and you might as well go console yourself with some Hot Pockets and The Truth About Cats and Dogs because it ain’t happening for you. If most of you is a hottie, try internet dating. Dudes love that web cam shit. Julia Roberts out.

I don’t know what’s so fucking funny about helping people realize their romantic destinies. GTFO, anon!

You can’t reblog my wisdom?? WTF!!! Okay, okay, okay, there is an easy solution to this: take a screen shot of whatever it is you want to reblog, and then post it to your tumblr. Simple as a dimple, right? I can’t advise you on how to take a screen shot, but I bet googly could. Julia Roberts out.

I don’t understand you, anon. Why is picking just one woman greedy? It sounds like you want ALL the cake, not just some of the cake, and THAT is greedy. Quit being a goddamn cake hoarder and pick one already. Otherwise, you’ll have a scene on your hands like the big scene I made in Something to Talk About, the hit movie that inspired the sort-of-hit song by Bonnie Raitt.

In Something to Talk About, my husbo was getting his dick wet in some other broad while trying to still get his dick wet in me. So one night, I followed him to this restaurant in Savannah that was trying to be all British, and I stood outside the window and screamed a bunch in my night gown. (It was like a scene from A Christmas Carol if A Christmas Carol involved more affairs! Okay, basically I just looked like the ghost of wives past. BOO!) Suffice it to say, he did not get his dick wet in me for the rest of the movie. Think about that, anon.

Or think about what it’s like to be a famous cake hoarder:

Julia Roberts out.

Is this “coworker” really your assistant? Like in that movie with Sandra Suckcock and my former co-star Hugh Grant? Cuz in that movie, he was just a big dick all the time, which made her think he had a big dick. He was all, “Do this for me! Do that for me! I pay you to be my bitch!” and then she tried to quit but then she felt really jealous that he was paying a prettier person to be his bitch. SO SHE THREW HERSELF AT HIM! Point is, bitches love big dicks, so be a big dick so she thinks you have one. Then sweeten the deal by creating the illusion that you’ll use your big dick on someone else. She’ll be dropping her panties before average-sized-whatshisface notices she’s even gone. Julia Roberts out.

You know what your problem is, girlfriend? You’re trying to hunt for wiener on facebook when you need to switch to… What’s it called? Snatch.com? I don’t know, whatever website is actually set up to facilitate wiener hunts - the one with gold (cock?) rings in the commercials. That facebook dude isn’t getting any closer to plowing your field, but if you punch the right computer keys, you could be living out the plot of You’ve Got Mail before the week’s end. (Now with more field plowing!) Julia Roberts out.